Let’s take a stroll down the cinematic path of 1979. A year in which there were a bunch of clangers. From weak plots to horrible special effects, here are 16 of the worst films ‘79 offered.
1. The Little Dragons
Bad guys kidnap and try to kill two kids. That should be enough to make you know that this is rubbish. Yet, a group of kids trained in marital arts come to the rescue. To make these kids appear tough, one likes to swear a lot. A sign of bad writing. The fight scenes aren’t great, either. This movie needs to be slayed.
2. The Clonus Horror
People play outside, enjoying life. They are being watched by guards who are waiting until they are “ready”. By that, you are taken away and harvested for your organs for the benefit of the original donors. As a commentary on the evils of cloning and organ harvesting, this movie fails. The acting sucks, and the plot is muddled. The only real horror you will have is that you wasted time watching this.
3. 1941
This is a movie that Steven Spielberg would like to wipe from his resume. The slapstick humor and juvenile gags fail to provide any real humor. Based on the hysteria in Los Angeles after the attack on Pearl Harbor, the storyline is chaotic and lacks clear direction. Also, the film switches between comedy and drama, leaving the audience wondering which type it is. “1941” is one confusing movie that struggles to be funny.
4. Bloodline
A woman investigates the mysterious deaths of her family members. A simple story, but the subplots add so much complexity to it. The film is lazily made and Audrey Hepburn must have done it just for the money (a $1,000,000 paycheck). The ending of the film has you wondering what is happening because nothing is explained. An example of the junk that the film industry pumped out in 1979.
5. Quintet
A new Ice Age has hit Earth. Humanity is slowly dying out and those who remain play “Quintet” a board game, However, some decide it’s more fun to play the game with real people. This movie is terrible because it’s so slow and confusing. A lot of questions remain unanswered. One theatre had a mass walkout of the audience. That’s how terrible this film is.
6. The Concorde…Airport ‘79
An action/adventure film that ends up being a comedy. That’s how cheesy it is. The acting is horrible. Then there are the improbable scenarios such as the captain shooting flares out of a window. As for the plot? There isn’t any that’s worth mentioning. A movie that crashed in the theatres.
7. A Perfect Couple
As a romance, there isn’t any onscreen chemistry between Paul Dooley and Marta Heflin. That should be an indicator of how bad this movie is. It tries to blend a bunch of storylines but fails to do so and you are left confused as to what the central story is. The acting is dull and so is the pace. A dreary film that will have you fighting to stay engaged in it.
8. Fast Company
David Cronenberg was a star Canadian director in the 1970s who produced quality films such as “Shivers”. Yet, he completely missed the mark with “Fast Company”, a movie about drag racing. The actors have little life in them and the plot is weak. Don’t expect any excitement from the racing scenes, because there isn’t.
9. Goldengirl
A genetically superior athlete! How amazing. Yet it’s a concept that isn’t fully explored in this movie. So the whole idea falls flat. The movie becomes a sports drama and the acting is underwhelming. You are offered a golden opportunity to avoid watching this!
10. The Sheriff and the Satellite Kid
An Italian sci-fi movie that tries to merge the genres of Western and science fiction, but doesn’t succeed. The plot is highly implausible in which an alien child with superpowers has to be protected by a sheriff. Forced humor that comes across as juvenile can have you shudder in embarrassment. Neither of the main stars brings charisma to their roles. Do yourself a favor and don’t watch this.
11. Beyond the Poseidon Adventure
“The Poseidon Adventure” is incredible. This sequel is a classic example of trying to cash in on the success of the original. What makes “Beyond the Poseidon Adventure” terrible is its lack of suspense. It also just regurgitates the plot from the first movie. So unimaginative! No wonder this movie sank.
12. Hanover Street
“Hanover Street” is disappointing because it relies too much on the war-time romance cliche. The love story feels forced and doesn’t evoke any real emotion from the audience. The dialogue is bad and Harrison Ford’s acting is terrible. One viewer could only last 15 minutes into the film before saying they can’t take any more.
13. The Kid From Left Field
A remake of the 1953 film, but it fails to capture the essence of the original. The plot is predictable: a young baseball fan becomes the manager of a struggling team. There is potential for humor and a heart-warming story, yet the movie misses both of these. It’s an unremarkable film that should never have been made.
14. C.H.O.M.P.S.
An inventor creates a robot crime-fighting dog. Robocop would have loved that as his companion! However, the narrative doesn’t have any engaged story-telling. As for the special effects, they aren’t great. It’s a movie devoid of creativity and is full of cliches. As a family movie, it might be passable. But then, the kids nowadays can be pretty fussy.
15. More American Graffiti
Perhaps we need Less American Graffiti as this is a horrible sequel. The story is weak and the songs don’t match the period of the time. It’s a disjointed movie that makes it hard to keep track of the main plot. The photography is terrible and the editing leaves a lot to be desired. A poor attempt to cash in on the success of the original.
16. Last Embrace
Roy Scheider is a government agent who gets caught up in a web of conspiracy and espionage. Usually a charismatic actor, Roy is dull in this film. The movie lulls along and there are sporadic periods of action, but they don’t help lift the slow pace. When everything is said and done and the credits are rolling, you are left with a bunch of loose ends that are never resolved. Loose ends are a nightmare for any audience. You will give this movie a last embrace as you drop it into the trash.
